While I was out walking today, the song What Do You Got by Bon Jovi somehow found it’s way on my playlist.  Yes, I listen to and LOVE Bon Jovi…..lol   Not really sure HOW that particular song got on the play list because I only load really high energy tunes when walking and exercising.  I guess the HOW doesn’t even matter because I ‘needed’ to hear that song today to remind me of the importance of love.

I’ve received a few emails this past month from coaching clients regarding their relationships.  One person felt that her mate only wanted sex.  And another client felt his mate only wanted money.  I found this quite interesting because given their genders, this is the mindset of a lot of people.  Women think all men want is sex and men think all women want is money.  My question to them both…..WHAT ARE YOU OFFERING?  If a man walks around flaunting how much money he makes, the type of car he drives and the home he lives in, women will tend to think that’s all he has to offer.  If a woman walks around flaunting her body, how good she looks and how skilled she is in the bedroom, men will tend to think that’s all she has to offer.

Often we enter relationships with the idea of ‘getting something’, not ‘giving something’.  We do this because we feel that we are lacking in whatever it is we are trying to get…..get it?…:-)  I’ve been witness to many people jumping from one relationship to the other trying to get what they feel the previous relationship didn’t give them.  Talk about a setup for failure.   I call them Serial Monogamers….in a loving way of course.  I too was a Serial Monogamer.  That is until I learned the importance of time ALONE.  Time that allowed me to LOOK AT ME.  To QUESTION ME.  To DISCOVER ME.  To LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY.

There’s a saying….you can’t give what you don’t have.  And if you don’t love YOU, you can’t give love to another.  I believe that’s why many women think all they have to offer is their bodies and many men think all they have to offer is their money.  And then when someone comes along and CONFIRMS their beliefs, they become upset.  Hue-mans….we are some funny Beings…..:-)

If you don’t love yourself and you put all your focus on your body, you will attract someone who focuses on your body as well.  If you don’t love yourself and you put all your focus on your money, you will attract someone who focuses on your money as well.   It can be no other way.

For your enjoyment, I’ve inserted the music video for Bon Jovi’s What Do You Got?……:-)

In Love,

J’licious

True story……

While I was out shopping tonight, I heard a man say…..”pssstttt…say, let me holla at you for a sec”.  I noticed the man who was talking and I continued to walk.  Then I heard…”say, Lil Mama I like how you wearing dem jeans”.  I continued to walk.  Finally he caught up with me and asked….”Girl, you can’t hear or sumpin’?”.  My response…”On the contrary my Brother.  I hear you talking, but you aren’t speaking my language”.  He smiled, apologized, extend his hand and introduced himself.

After a few minutes of chatting with him, I realized that he was quite intelligent, well spoken, and polite.  So I had to ask him what were the reasons behind his initial greeting.  He simply stated….”Cause it works”.  Now that got me to thinking and questioning.  Does it REALLY work?  And if it does, WHO does it work on?  The truth is obviously IT DOES WORK.  If it didn’t he wouldn’t continue to do it.  I’m not a man, so Brothers, please correct me if I’m wrong.  I don’t know any man who in an effort to get a woman’s attention continues to do things that he KNOWS DOES NOT WORK.  The whole point of him doing it is because he’s tested and tried it and well…..IT WORKS.

The irony about it all is that I hear so many woman complaining about this very thing.  They don’t like the ‘cat calls’.  They would rather a man approach them, introduce themselves and state their intentions.  Finally, I was left with one conclusion.  The reason why some men continue to speak to us in this manner is because at least ONE of us ANSWERS TO IT.  And as long as we answer to it, guess what….the men will continue to yell out….”Hey, Shawty”.

Peace,

Jacque

Sometimes it’s best to keep your relationship and it’s issues to YOURSELF.   Video response to a question asked via Ask J’licious.  Got questions?  I just may have an answer……..

One of my Facebook friends, Elijah Hakim-Adonijah, made the statement….Smart is the new Sexy. Hakim, I could not agree with that statement more. Hakim asked that I record a video expounding on that statement. But before I did, I had to do a little research on the subject of what men found sexy in a woman. I’m glad I did. Because what I learned was quite enlightening for me.

What I found was when I asked several of my male friends what they found Sexy in/about a woman, their answers had nothing to do with sex. What I found was the things that they found Sexy in a woman were things they respected about her. That caused me to ask a few internal questions. One of them…..if what they find sexy about a woman has nothing to do with sex, then what causes them to look at a woman and think….I wanna have sex with her. My answer……the word PROVOCATIVE.

The word provocative comes from the word ‘provoke’. And although Sexy and Provocative BOTH provoke, they provoke on different levels. Allow me to give you examples of what my male friends shared with me.

Sexy – Woman who takes care of her NATURAL self ( eats healthy, exercises, cares for her ‘natural’ body)
Provocative – Video Vixens, weave, extensions, lashes, boobs….etc

Sexy – Woman who cooks and cleans her home
Provocative – Woman who dines out frequently because she can’t cook, clubs and parties on the weekend and her home looks like a tornado just came through it

Sexy – Woman who provides for, disciplines, and takes time to teach her children
Provocative – Woman who ignores her children to spend time with him

Sexy – Woman who is well spoken with an extensive vocabulary.
Provocative – Woman who’s vocabulary only consists of a vast amount of profane and vulgar words. Woman who butchers the English language and it’s her primary language

Sexy – Woman who innerstands that her body is for his pleasure and not for every man she comes into contact with
Provocative – Woman who uses her body to gain the attention and validation she seeks from EVERY man she encounters

Sexy – Woman who earns and respects her money. She invests, saves and spends wisely
Provocative – Woman who spends every cent she earns on things that will depreciate as soon as she leaves the store with it and then turns around and asks him for money to pay her bills

Sexy – Woman who reads and seeks out information that will improve her life, the life of her family, and her community
Provocative – Woman who never reads or only reads fiction romance books. Woman who spends her down time sitting in front of a television

Now do you see the difference between Sexy and Provocative? Yes, they both provoke; however, sexy has the ability to provoke a man’s nature to protect and provide where provocative provokes a man’s nature to bed you and leave you. Not to mention that all the things I mentioned that men found sexy were also SMART. So there you have it…..Smart IS the new Sexy.

Another Smart Move….visit HakimSpeaks.

J’licious

At first glance the words ‘Setting Boundaries’ may seem restrictive.  However, setting boundaries can be quite liberating.  By setting clear decisive boundaries you define yourself  in relation to others. Healthy personal boundaries establish a space around you that gives you a sense of security and discourage physical or emotional encroachment.  They are the physical, emotional and mental limits that define you as a separate individual with your own unique emotions, needs and values.

If you’re new to this concept, setting boundaries will appear to be a selfish act.  You may even experience feelings of guilt.  Question those feelings and then push through them.  You have every right to take care of yourself.  You not only have the right, but you must take responsibility for how you allow others to treat you.  This includes all areas of your life…. physical, emotional, spiritual, financial and mental.  Sometimes when you say no to others, you say yes to you. And by setting boundaries, you preserve your integrity, take responsibility for who you are and you take control of your life.

Many of us were taught as children to put other people’s needs before our own….especially within the family unit.  This teaching is erroneous.  If you continually put others before yourself, you will wear yourself out.  You will not be any good to anyone.  Instead, I suggest encouraging every family member to contribute to the whole by taking care of him/herself.

Many of us are people-pleasers.  We don’t want to appear to be selfish, so we put our personal needs on the back burner and agree to do things that may not be beneficial to our well-being. A certain amount of “selfishness” is necessary for having healthy personal boundaries. You do not do anyone any favors, least of all yourself, by trying to please others at your own expense.

You are the highest authority on you. You know yourself better than anyone else.  You know what you need, want, and value. Don’t let anyone else make the decisions for you. Healthy boundaries make it possible for you to respect your strengths, abilities and individuality as well as those of others.

Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships.  Unhealthy boundaries attract those who will take advantage of them.  It is never too late to establish boundaries that promote a healthy self-concept and stability and inspire more satisfying relationships.

J’licious

Recently,  I ran into a friend from home.  I wasn’t expecting to see anyone from home and certainly not this particular friend.  I caught a glimpse of her as she walked by and called out to her.  We embraced and said our hellos.  One of the first things she mentioned to me was that she enjoys reading my posts on FaceBook. Her statement gave me cause to pause. Now, of course I know I have a Facebook profile AND I know that I post on a regular basis. What caught me a little off guard was HEARING someone say to me…..”I love reading your posts.  They are so inspirational to me.”

When I started this blog 2 years ago, it was with the intention of getting my thoughts out of my head and onto ‘cyber’ paper. And if someone was to happen upon it and found it worthy of reading then that was like icing on the cake. And if they found that it helped them in some area of their life then that was the WHOLE BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!!

As I blogged more I had the novel idea to share my writings and thoughts with my Facebook friends. I thought if I could somehow create a ‘network’ of free thinkers that would really be awesome. What I failed to take into consideration was that my readers were holding me ACCOUNTABLE for the things that I was writing. My friend reminded me that by reading my words,  ‘she was watching me’.  Not that she was spying or even trying to find fault in me. Simply that she took notice of my words. And by taking notice of my words, she was taking notice of ME. Please check out my post Are You Full of Balloon Juice to get an idea of what ‘words’ mean to me.

Now, I don’t know about you, but things like that make me take a good long look in the mirror to make sure that I am WORTHY of writing and speaking. Not that I care so much about what other PEOPLE think of me, but I do care what ‘I’ think of me. See, I have to LIVE with me, day in and day out. And I want to live in HARMONY with me. I want to look in the mirror and she the little girl that is growing into a woman. I want to look into the mirror and know without a doubt that yes, I make some ‘not so good choices’ at times; however, I am mature enough to share those ‘not so good choices’ in hopes that anyone who comes in contact with me or my writings will not have to make those same choices.

So, be mindful of how you present yourself to the world. Trust me……they’re watching you.

Peace and a Multitude of Blessings,
J’licious

During this time of year (New Year) most people engage in a time of reflection, inspection and projection.  We think back on the past year, evaluate our ups and downs and vow to make changes to ensure a better future.  One of the ways we do this is by asking questions.  And not just any questions…..Thought Provoking Questions.  The following article lists 25 Thought Provoking Questions that I feel if answered honestly will cause a change in your life.  I ask that you get out a pen and paper, ask yourself these questions and write down your answers.  I’d love to read your answers (via comments) if you are willing to share.  Without further adieu, the questions…..

Here’s a sample of 25 recent thought questions posted on the site:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

19.

20.

21.

22.

23.

24.

25.

Thought Questions is updated daily.  If you enjoyed the illustrated questions in this article, please visit the site for the latest content.

In deep thought,

J’licious

It’s that time of year again…..Christmas!!!!!  Everyone is running all over town in search of that PERFECT gift.  We want to make sure that our loved ones are excited and overjoyed at what they find in that small (or large) box.  Some of us have contemplated for months what we would give as gifts.  We’ve braved the cold to stand outside stores waiting for them to open.  And even risked being stampeded by other people just to be the first one in the store. Unfortunately in all the hustle and bustle, we often forget what Christmas is really all about……the gift of love

Christmas is not only the celebration of the birth of Jesus, it is also the celebration of the greatest gift given to us all…..the gift of love.  As a matter of fact it is the ULTIMATE gift of love.  From this gift of love springs all other gifts of love.    The story of the birth of Jesus has been told for centuries.  As a matter of fact, the ‘Immaculate Conception’ was told long before the birth of Jesus.  This story has been shared since Egyptian rule.   Now, my purpose here is not to debate these stories or to even ‘prove’ their validity.  My purpose is to show that no matter how far back you go in history, you will find a love story.  And we all can appreciate a good love story.

I know that you are busy with holiday preparations, so I’ll be brief.  In all that you are giving, be sure to give love.  It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Happy Holidays,

J’licious

© Copyright 2010/12/22  Jacque Keil All Rights Reserved

I’ve often heard women say, I’m looking/waiting for my King.  I’m not sure if I ever spoke those words out of my mouth; however, I certainly thought them.  I also questioned WHY my King had not yet appeared.  As I began to do some soul searching (and cleansing), I realized that my King had not yet appeared because I had yet to acknowledge myself as a Queen.  Now I’m not saying that I was/am not a Queen, I’m saying that I didn’t KNOW I was a Queen.  Therefore, I was not presenting myself in a Queenly manner.  And if I was not presenting myself as a Queen how would my King EVER find me?

We (women) say we want a man who:

1. Is spiritually grounded – Going to the church of your choice every Sunday does NOT in no way make you spiritually grounded.  Now this is not to say you shouldn’t attend the church of your choice whenever you choose.  However, keep in mind that YOU are the church.  Your body is the temple. Therefore, you carry ‘church’ with you no matter where you go.  Whether it be to a physical church or the club.  You take church with you.  You ARE church.   A King that is spiritually grounded will not defile his temple to create a union with someone who does not recognize that they themselves are a temple as well.

2.  Is financially stable – I suggest you take a look at your bank statement.  If every month you have more going out in NSF fees than you deposited, the likelihood of you attracting a King who has his finances together is slim to none.  Anyone who is wealth conscious is not likely to take a risk on a KNOWN bad investment.  And if you are not handling your money, you are a bad investment.  Not to mention if you can’t handle YOUR money, you certainly will run through his.

3.  Will take care of you -  If you say you want a King who will take care of you, you first have to SHOW him how.  And if you don’t eat well, don’t exercise (your body AND your mind) you are showing him that YOU don’t care about you.  So why should he?  If you mistreat your own body, you will most likely mistreat his.

4.  Is mentally stable – Mental health is not something that is talked about openly.  Yeah we make the occasional comments…he’s not right in the head, he’s crazy, something’s ‘wrong” with him.  Truth of the matter, there are quite a few people who experience mental illness.  I define mental illness as a psychological or behavioral disorder that disrupts a person’s thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others and daily functioning.  One mental illness that may affect your quest for your King is CO-DEPENDENCY.  Many people do not think of co-dependency as a mental illness; however, co-dependency can be debilitating to both you and your potential partner.  King’s create and rule kingdoms.  They can not be subject to the insecurities that co-dependency creates.

5.  Is family oriented – As a mother of 3 children, I understand the importance of finding a King who will not only respect my relationship with my children, but will also build a positive relationship with them as well.  When choosing a partner, I always considered whether or not that man would be ‘good’ for me AND my children.  Yeah, I’ve misjudged that a few times.  However, it was and still is on my list.  With regards to family, I have learned that it is NOT my King’s duty to take care of my ENTIRE family.  There will be times when you have to stand up to your family and say NO.  As a Queen one of your privileges is to take care of your King.  Don’t allow anyone, including your family, to mistreat or misuse him.

Last, but certainly not least….

6.  Is attractive – The old saying….’beauty is in the eye of the beholder’, holds true today.  It is a person’s appearance (physical looks) that cause us to take a second (or even third) glance their way.  Something about them ‘attracts’ us.  Could be his eyes, his hands, the way he smiles.  Or it could be how he makes that suit (or pair of jeans) look good!!!!!  No one can deny that physical attraction can be tempting and downright powerful.  My advice to my fellow Queens….keep the attraction ALIVE.  If you have truly found your King, he wants you to be adorned.  And sometimes the best adornment is what God, Allah, Jah, Yaweh, gave you from birth…..nakedness.  Not just physical nakedness, but emotional nakedness as well.  Lower your walls of protection.  You just might find your King standing in wait right behind those walls you THINK are protecting you.

Putting on my crown,

J-licious

© Copyright 2010/11/03  Jacque Keil All Rights Reserved

As my sons pack their things for college, I am granted another opportunity to plant seeds of encouragement and speak words of wisdom.  What I’ve started to realize is that THEY are planting seeds and spitting some knowledge as well.  As young men, they seem to find it much easier to speak openly about their thoughts, feelings and concerns than when they were much younger.  Sometimes I’m a bit surprised at how much they’ve NOTICED these past few years.  Then again, I was kid once and I NOTICED EVERYTHING!!!!!  I may not have said anything, but I most certainly took notice.

Usually, I’m taking inventory and making sure they have everything I think they’ll need.  This time they took inventory of me.  As we sat and reminisced, they reminded me of some challenges we’ve experienced and how we’ve all grown from those experiences.  Our chat session this time also allowed me the opportunity to say, I’m Sorry and to ask for their forgiveness.

Asking for forgiveness and saying I’m sorry can be an humbling experience.  Especially when the person (people) you are speaking with are your children.  For the most part, parents don’t think to tell their children they are sorry for some of the ‘mistakes’ that was made along the way.  We tend to want to overlook our shortcomings as parents.  We tell ourselves that we are doing the very best we can.  And perhaps we are.  However, that does not negate the fact that we will make mistakes along the way. 

Although our conversation was light, there were times when I sensed that the subject matter was still a bit heavy on their part.  They are respectful young men, so some things they didn’t just want to come right out and say for fear of hurting my feelings.  But I sucked it all up and asked that they just speak their mind.  Well, that was all the encouraging they needed before ‘letting me have it’…..lol  I allowed them to share openly with me.  I not only respected how they felt, I understood.  I listened without interrupting and without trying to ‘explain’ my position.  They have every right to their feelings.  Did it sting?  Hell yeah.  After they were done, they only words I could come up with were….I’m sorry, will you forgive me.

Now with all of that out in the open, we can move right past it.  If there comes a time that we need to revisit it, we will.  But for now….all is forgiven.  Conversations such as these can be difficult.  However, they are necessary for our growth and evolution.  You see when we ask for forgiveness, it’s not just for the other person.  Forgiveness is more for you.  A very critical step in forgiveness is to first forgive yourself.  Acknowledge those ‘bad’ choices/actions, take responsibility for them and then forgive yourself.

In love,

J-licious

© Copyright 2010/10/31  Jacque Keil All Rights Reserved